PSST! Rantings, Musings, & "Not Your Mama's" Platitudes

I’ve spent the past five and a half months trying to make things work with someone who did not have the capacity for a relationship. I kept making excuses for him in my mind: work is crazy for him, his kids are the most important thing (which is true), he has past hurt and pain that is hard to overcome, etc. But I have found that if someone wants you in their life, they will choose to include you. There will be no second guessing as to whether they want you. It takes two seconds to send a text message. A short phone call takes minutes. I don’t care how busy anyone is—if someone is important to you, you make time. Whether that time is a phone call or a text message or a date night. I’ve been more than accommodating and have bent over backwards for this person in the name of love. That love has not been reciprocated and has, instead, been pushed into a shoebox in the back of a closet that I will never have clothes in. There is a point where love is no longer love, and is, in fact, attach...

Sorry, it’s been a quiet depressive day. I didn’t go for a walk today, which I feel guilty for. But tomorrow is a new day. I finally mixed up new bread dough for the next two weeks. It’s in the fridge and I will bake it tomorrow. I have plans to make more breakfast sandwiches for the next two weeks. I’ve been taking them for lunch at work. Quick and easy. I also have turkey for meatballs I hope to make tomorrow. I was going to do it all today but I couldn’t make my body move if my life depended on it. I finally mixed the dough in the dark because I couldn’t even bear to turn the light on. But I did it and that’s what counts. I painted for a little while this afternoon. I think it broke me from my trance just enough to get the dough mixed. Silly painting, colors, blobs, but something other than the vast nothingness brainscape.  I love everything bagel anything. I have the seasoning and use it on my crackers (I made some this morning—forgot about that). I hope you’re doing okay and t...

I imagine the clouds are a tsunami calculate which direction the wave might hit how long it would take to die I write wedding vows for my Uber driver tell my lover to have a good evening The nurse asks me to relax my arm before the stick she asks, again: let your arm hang like a noodle It is! I tell her Relax! she says my jaw tightens there is nowhere for the pain to go so it spreads thin, hardens through my chest releases into my gut contracts into a rhythm that floods every vessel He tells me good morning, asks how I slept okay , I say, how about you? I wait for his response like a farmer praying for rain fruit on the vine Eh , he says, you? Round and round we go  waiting for the rain or permission  to give it up to the sun

In the name of relevance, I text you first. Or is it hope, love. I already know what it is. I have the need to remind others of my existence, or I may fade into oblivion. My mother and I over-bake things. We are unable to let go. We hold until it sours. Did her mother keep too? My daughter takes photos of everything. She never wants to forget. I worry about being forgotten, not being met where I am. Where I am is apart from you. I wait for the skillet to warm before adding the pancake batter. I walk away to tend to the dishes. The blueberries burn. 

https://theurbanmermaid.blogspot.com/2024/09/question-air.html?m=1 This poem is written by my dear friend, Emily Lisker. 

“I hope this week stirs something deep within you. May the answers you couldn’t see before now rise to the surface like whispers of truth breaking through the fog of uncertainty, and may you find the courage and clarity to bring them to life, to nurture them with intention and let them guide your path forward. I hope your heart finds balance, not by the weight of who you’ve been or the stories that you’ve carried but by the truth of who you are becoming, the truth that anchors you in the present and propels you towards the future. I wish you strength, both in body and spirit and the resilience to weather the storms you may face. May you stand firm in your values, even when life pulls you in many directions. I wish you grace to remain present in the here and the now, even when the pull to drift away feels so very strong. I hope you are reminded of your inner strength, of the power within you that grows with every challenge you face. May you find peace knowing that the journey ahead is u...