Anger as a Security Measure, the Illusion of Worthiness, and the Persistence of Hope

One thing I like about myself is that, no matter how dark my mood gets, no matter how bad circumstances get, hope always crawls into the picture. I’m not sure if this is a survival thing or a soul thing. I just know, despite past patterns and circumstances, at the end of the day, I have this tiny spark of hope left. 

Yesterday, I was left reeling in anger over a person who I let into my life. I revealed too much about myself, and they twisted things around to use against me. It angers me to my core. I am full of rage and hate. And I feel like a fool. I allowed myself anger yesterday and today, and I hope I can let it go and start fresh tomorrow. However, if I have learned anything, it is that rage and anger, although they play a very important role in our “security settings,” are also unable to be sped through. There is no shortcut. They must be felt in all of their entirety for as long as the course exists. When I feel my space, energy, physical being has been violated, anger is quick to let me know. I have zero space for that kind of behavior in my life. For someone to tell me that I have trust issues when I call them out for not doing what they said they would do—to deflect accountability and shift blame. I hate that more than anything. It makes me feel like a fool. 

What is this whole idea that I am obsessed with of being worthy? I think it stems from my religious upbringing. Wanting to be enough to deserve love from a god who knew he created us as fallible beings. What a crock. I don’t have to be worthy for anything. I am enough right now. Trust issues or not. Show me you mean business and I’ll be right there with you. Trick me into cowering until I’m tiny and folded down into a perfect square that you can fit in your pocket—never gonna happen. I am FREE and I am ENOUGH as I am RIGHT NOW. Yes, we all have things we want to work on personally in our lives. But basic respect is a human right. And I will not allow anyone in my circle who decides they are above showing respect towards others. 

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