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First Poem of 2024

  Sometimes I wonder what any of it means They say God doesn’t help those who do not help themselves so I tried / I tried again / always trying, trying again but this time I can’t do it / anymore / I’m so tired of this back and forth this pretending to be what they want / so I was myself and he latched on fast I was a baby bird in a lion’s den / thank God it was quick, I flew out in the nick What if he comes to find me? / How can a lion say a baby bird led him on? May God help you, he said / May God help you / but the thing is, when I met you you said God was the answer: beginning / and end / then last night you said you didn’t want anyone who loved God too much / or not at all What does that even mean? Love bombing from the start / I thought you loved my heart but it turns out you held me in your hand / fingers were a cage to lock me in not happening again / I’ll die before I let that happen ever again, I’ll die instead So if you’re gonna come get me / th
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I Hate Everything

 I'm trying to come to terms with this new season of my life. My daughter will be graduating from high school in about six weeks. I am starting a new job soon. I have grown so accustomed to being single. I worked so hard at my past job to try to fit in and form connections. I came up empty. I worked so hard and gave everything I had to be productive and helpful and to socialize and it ended up a dud. I am so exhausted. I don't understand why everything is so difficult. I was so proud of myself for installing this porch hammock swing I've had for years. I finally got it put up and it seemed solid. I had the best time this afternoon sitting in it and reading. There was a breeze, and it was so peaceful. Then, out of nowhere, I was on the ground. The bolts didn't hold. I'm not sure if it was due to my size or faulty installation. I hit my head on the window. A neighbor down the street was sitting on his front porch when it happened. He yelled and asked if I was okay. I
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Hit & Miss

It’s Sunday again and the sun is finally shining through the living room window. I found some stained glass pieces at the thrift store and hung one of them from that window. Naturally, I hung it too high. The sun misses it. My daughter wanted to go out yesterday, so we went downtown. Paid too much for tacos and bubble tea and coffee but it was a break from reality. Found my book at a bookstore. The first time I’ve seen it out in the wild. I signed it and put it back. I posted about it and said it was a dream come true. Which was true. Is true. But then we came home and she wanted to go with friends tomorrow and I said no and it turned into a terrible argument. She didn’t understand why I didn’t understand. I couldn’t understand how she couldn’t see the obvious. She’s only 16. She doesn’t know. Today has been a slow day. I made homemade pop-tarts that were barely edible. Roasted peanuts and burned them. Had to throw them out. Settled for mediocre hot dogs. I took a two-hour nap and woke
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Windows Open on a Sunday Evening

 It is Sunday evening. This weekend it has been sunny and in the 50s. Spring is SO close and I am finally feeling like myself again. I spent yesterday working on digging up parts of the banana tree. Although, as one friend mentioned, to have a banana tree is a blessing, it also grows over onto my neighbor's property and over the powerlines that connect to my home. The banana tree might be a blessing, but it is in the wrong spot of my yard. I am sitting in my recliner, writing this, and the windows are open. The cats are perched at each window and I can hear the neighbor's dog barking and the birds chirping. I don't think there is anything as beautiful as this. I haven't even turned on the tv all day long. I finished the book I was reading and won a badge on Goodreads. Rylee and I went to lunch at a little Mexican restaurant in Honea Path, and it was absolutely delicious! Rylee got her FAFSA submitted this weekend and has already received two college acceptances. I final
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I Don’t Even Know

Widespread AT&T cell phone outage. Change Healthcare/OptumRx cyber attack that affected retail pharmacies on the Eastern US coast, including insurance and coupon savings cards. The US landed on the moon for the first time in 50 years. What a day. 
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Am I in a Rut or Just Tired? Shifting Blame to Survive, Learning to Shut the Fuck Up, and Showing Up As Yourself Consistently (even when your actions are not!)

Sometimes I get so sick of every single day, the same routines. And I don’t mean it like you think. I’m not married. I don’t wake up to the same alarm each day next to the same person who I kiss on the cheek on the way out the door. My bedroom routine is more of a guide than a schedule. I am the worst at setting a routine and keeping to it. Outside of work, that is. Maybe it’s the bipolar disorder. I can never seem to duplicate my good days by repeating the schedule of that day. Whether I have 7 or 11 hours of sleep, I’m always exhausted. No matter how early I leave for work, I’m always just on time. No matter how much money I have, I end up with just enough. I am consistent in my inconsistencies. Everything in my life, time, money, sleep, etc is predictable in the sense that I am always in need of more. Is it an organizational issue? No! I’m a fantastic organizer! I’m good at my job because of it. But it’s also how I burn myself out at both ends by going a million miles an hour during
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Four Tips to a Better Morning, Making a Pre-Bed Bedtime, and Maybe Let's Not Throw the Dishes out with the Dishwasher

 I listened to a podcast on the way to work this morning. Four tips for harnessing your end-of-day exhaustion into a productive and meaningful evening routine — Morning "you" will thank you! While I can appreciate any advice that can transform me from less of a morning monster into a potential morning-tolerant humanoid, I think many can agree that evenings can be difficult too. And, let's face it, when you see clickbait that starts with "Four Tips..." we collectively skim the paragraphs following that lead to an underlined phrase that when clicked opens a podcast episode which, of course, happens at the most inconvenient times on the loudest phone setting possible, and after we scramble to turn the volume down, we realize the podcast has no readable transcript, which is problematic in itself due to the lack of accessibility, but we really . . . must . . . find out. WHAT ARE THE FOUR TIPS???! Considering I was already annoyed by the time I resigned to the fact th
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