Look How Everything

I went for a walk in the rain today, a sort of intentional ritual of healing. I had to cut someone I loved out of my life in order to move forward. I guess I still had hope they would show up. Perhaps a letter or a visit. Some sort of gesture to show they had truly changed. I think it's possible for people to change—I did. But now I am this person; this stubborn, fearful, contemplative, despairing, yet hopeful person who wants someone to grab her by the shoulders and profess their love to her. I am still a romantic at heart. I want, for all the times I baked cakes, made dinner, bought gifts, wrote letters to men I loved, for this energy to come back to me. Is that selfish? I want to be treated the way I have treated men who treated me like shit. Someone who is patient and understanding. Someone who admits fault and shows up with honesty. Someone who isn't afraid to be vulnerable and human. Someone who is emotionally open and understanding. Someone who shows up and is present and makes time for what is important. I want someone to show up for me. Someone who makes an effort to be there for me. Someone who thinks ahead and anticipates my needs. The most simple gestures. I believe that person exists. I have not met them yet. And somehow I feel this obsessive need to try and try and try to make the right person like me. But that's not how it works. I hope that the Universe will bring this person to me, in the right moment, in the right timing in both of our lives. That we will both exhale sighs of relief knowing we finally found each other. I hope that I can look back in 6 months or next year and think, Wow, can you believe how worried I was? Look how everything has fallen into place!