New Year, New Me? Not Quite

 2023 has been a year of transformation. Slow, brutal, agonizing transformation. I started the year off by working two jobs, both of which were new to me and required much adaptation. The central a/c went out and I needed two new capacitors, one which was complete trash and the other which was almost-complete trash. I replaced one of them due to the cost. The heat went out this winter which required a brand new motor and capacitor. The dryer went out twice this year. My mental health has been up and down, along with my daughter's. But this is also the first full year in my new-to-me almost-100-year-old home. I have a purple front door and had hundreds of lights strung on my front porch at Christmastime. I joined Facebook and quit 2 weeks later. Realized a month later that is one of several triggers for my poor mental health. Social media has the capability of completely ruining any personal successes that I could possibly acquire. I will stick with IG, which I have an hour limit on (although I do sometimes break that limit), and Threads, which has shown to be a positive alternative to Twitter aka X. I want to be intentional with this coming year. I want to transform my life in a purposeful way, not a reactive way as it has been so this year. If my life can change without putting forth any purposeful effort, if my life can change while I am in survival mode, then surely my life can change if I truly TRY to make changes. I read this free manual by a guy on IG. I can't find his @ right now, and his name isn't on the workbook which honestly makes me respect him that much more. He mentioned making changes that you don't think would really make a difference, like a little less coffee creamer or adding an apple with what you already eat. Two years ago, I would be so full of exhaustion that I would take out my contacts while already in bed and I would actually pour the old contact solution from my contact case OUT ONTO THE CARPET ON THE FLOOR. Yes. I actually did that. I cannot explain to you the amount of physical and mental exhaustion I have carried with me for years. At this point, we're approaching decades. When I moved into this house almost a year and a half ago, I had a specific place in my bathroom for my contact solution, case, and glasses. From then on, I have maintained that small change. I no longer pour the old solution onto the floor and sob into my pillow. I have a routine. I brush AND floss. Small things that seem like no big deal, but I've done them. And I've done them all year. I want to be more intentional with my time. I want to make space for myself. Yes, I want to write, but I don't want to force expectations on myself. First and foremost, I want to document for myself. Em does this and has many years of information about herself to refer back to. I want that for myself. She said the 30s were the hardest for her. I will be 37 this year, and I want it to be my best year yet. I want to incorporate movement. Walking, yoga, strength training (maybe). I want to make better eating choices. I want to dig out of this financial hole I'm in. I want to have enough savings built up that I feel more secure if there is an emergency. I want to spend less time scrolling social media and more time reading and writing. I want to get physically fit enough to take part in some sort of community thing, i.e. softball or skating or who knows what else. Maybe get a gig at the local library, if that sort of thing is ever available. I want to meet someone, a man, a life companion, although I realize I am not ready to be proactive in that department. I'm not sure I ever will be. I don't want to set myself up for failure in this New Year. I want a fresh start. It is time. I got out of the apartment complex, got back the house that I never should have lost in the first place. Now it's time for me to get myself back. It's been almost 7 years since the divorce was final and 9 years since we split. Now is the time. I've worked my ass off to rebuild things, to dig out of this hole. Now I'm standing on solid ground. I can feel the grass between my toes. I can feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. It is time. 2024 is my year.

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