Day 5 of Mood Stabilizer, Purging of the Old, and Kimchee

 I can honestly say this has been one of the best days I have had in a long time. I woke up drowsy and exhausted from the medication, but, after a couple cups of coffee and a slow morning, I was ready to go. I felt the urge to go through my closet and declutter. This house has almost zero storage space—there is a tiny attic hatch, so no space to even crawl up into the space; both closets are tiny, and neither has any shelving (which wouldn't work anyway, because the clothes would hang directly on top of them). There is room under the house for storage, but it is not climate controlled. My closet is about 10 feet long with two clothes rods hanging—one at waist height and the other a little taller than how a normal clothes rod is installed. While I have lots of room for hanging clothes, I have very little room for storing anything else. No shelf for blankets or boxes or anything. However, I was able to stack some plastic storage bins down the length of the closet. Since we moved from the apartment to the house, I have thrown everything in that closet. I have crammed things inside the plastic bins, in bags on top of the bins crammed with my clothes. It's been an absolute mess! I couldn't even get the closet doors closed most of the time. Today I decided was the day to declutter. I ended up with 3 full plastic storage bins-full of items to donate to Goodwill. Now everything is organized with like items in the appropriate bin, AND I can close my closet doors easily! Something about purging a space is a cleansing of the soul. If I felt torn over whether or not to keep something, I asked myself if I wanted to keep it because I felt it was important to me or because I felt obligated to keep it. If I felt obligated, I threw it in the donate pile. What freedom that is! To finally get rid of things I've kept for ten years or more just because I spent money on them or thought I was 'supposed' to keep them. Now I feel like I'm ready to do this everywhere in the house; I just need to pace myself. 

My dear friend, Emily, sent me this wonderful article: https://www.tablefortwoblog.com/how-to-make-homemade-kimchi/ and here's a direct link to the YouTube video: https://youtu.be/dG5pINgNca8?si=B0-vsavzQPRFjFGb (How to Make Homemade Kimchee by Julie Chiou). I highly recommend watching the video prior to making your own Kimchee. I read that the spelling of Kimchee matters greatly. The more common spelling is Kimchi, which is of Japanese origin, however, South Korea spells it as Kimchee ("The difference may be insignificant to foreigners, but not to Koreans, many of whom still remember the harsh Japanese colonial rule of 1910-45." https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1995-03-05-mn-38853-story.html). I was thrilled to discover there is an Asian market in town, about 30 minutes from our home. This Asian market had exactly what I needed: napa cabbage and Korean red pepper flakes. We also needed course sea salt, which they did not have, but we picked up from the local grocery store. Oh, we also needed a sweet onion and a bundle of green onions. I let the napa cabbage soak in a cold water bath for cleaning, then I chopped it into bite-sized pieces. I mixed 1/2 cup of sea salt with 1 cup of water and mixed with my hand until partly dissolved. I poured this mixture on top of the cabbage and mixed very well, then I set it aside to marinate for 2 hours. While the cabbage did its thing, I did some other things. I washed the comforter on my bed and took out the trash. Washed and sliced potatoes for dinner. Then I worked on the paste for the kimchee: 10-12 garlic cloves and 1/2 sweet onion. I roughly chopped both ingredients and then used the food processor to turn them into a paste. I also added a little bit of water (about 1/4 cup, give or take) to make it a little easier to spread. I sliced the green onions, lengthwise in half and then again of the white part, and sliced the onions into one-inch pieces. Then I cut the green pieces julienne as well. Mixed these into the onion-garlic paste and added 1/2 cup of Korean red pepper flakes. Mixed all of this well. After two hours, I drained the cabbage and added the paste to my big bowl (I need a bigger one!). I carefully mixed the cabbage and paste all together until combined. I did not have a half-gallon mason jar, so I used 2 former spaghetti sauce glass jars and 3 small mason jars. Now they will sit overnight and then I will transfer to the fridge for storage. It already tastes incredible! I'm really proud of myself for doing this. The ladies in the video said it will keep for several weeks. 

Yesterday at work I found myself very upset over something. I allowed myself to be upset. When work was over, I walked to my car, shut the door, and let out a scream. I went home and did some pillow slams (incredible tbh). I noticed I was able to move past the feeling. I didn't let it ruin my entire night. I didn't shut down and become unable to function. I processed it and moved on. I cleaned the cat boxes and brought the pack of waters in and did what I needed to do for the next day. I felt like a normal person. Is this how normal people feel? I feel like I have finally reached the point in my life where I understand myself and my needs. I am so thankful that my nurse practitioner helped me with this. 2024 is my year. It is a year of continued healing and thriving. Today I found myself thinking of things I want to do: write my recipes down in a hand-written recipe book, organize the kitchen, write a memoir. Before, I could never get to the point where I was looking ahead. It was so much of surviving in the moment, that there was no space for a future. Now I have space for the future. What a thrilling discovery this is! This combination of medication, internal work, general knowledge and willingness to be open and receptive has been the answer to many, many years of suffering. I feel like I can finally breathe. Everything is cyclical. All of it. No matter how I'm feeling, I am not the weather—I am the SKY.