Exhausted & Lacking Umph, Worried Like Hell, and Requests for My Next Life

 Thursdays are, by default, 'Exhaustion' for me. I just spelled Exhaustion wrong and had to correct it. I am finding that spelling, which has always been a strength of mine, has slowly transformed into something at which I am mediocre. I am finding this to be true with several things. Is this an age thing? Do you hit your late thirties and lose all the 'umph' allotted to you at birth? Is there only so much 'umph' we are given? What is happening here? I am extremely exhausted and my left arm keeps falling asleep. Is it stress? An impending heart attack? Was I scrolling too long in one position? What gives? Who says 'What gives?' anymore? I am full of frustration and lacking of patience. I keep telling my teenager that I won't always be around in hopes that she will pick up the pace in this 'maturity' and 'growth' thing. 

Me: *cooking dinner in the kitchen* 

Me: What if I was gone tomorrow? How would you get to school?

16: Well, I would—

Me: THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WOULDN'T

16:

16: I mean, I would need a ride

I am always armed and ready to fix/answer/think towards the future and analyze every possible scenario of what could happen. My daughter has no idea my construction and deconstruction of her future is constantly in flux in my mind. There is no turning it off. I am worried like hell and will always worry like hell. Today at work, I was interviewing a patient when they asked if I had any children. I said yes, a 16-year-old, and they said, "Oh, that's why you have gray hair." "Yes, I earned each one!" I said. But I don't think anyone truly understands that. I look so much older than I am. Life has been unkind. But that's okay. Life has been a very effective teacher. So much so that now I think it's time for an after-you-graduate paragraph in the back of the yearbook where the teacher who was so hard on you praises you for never giving up and reveals you were their favorite student. When does that happen? Okay, Life, I'm ready for that part. Please? Maybe that's what the good sunrises and sunsets have been for this week. Okay, fine. I'll accept. But do me a solid. In my next life, I'd like to be a cloud or a waterfall or a jellyfish please.


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