Lackluster Crescendos, Monkey Shit, and Silence

 I am the kind of angry that self-destructs. A crescendo without the build. A wave without the crash. I feel it in my jaw, my neck. This bracing of myself, armed and ready, in my shoulders. I do not want this anymore. I've done my best to make it work. I am past my breaking point. I have tried. The smiling and laughing and pretending. I cannot pretend to think it's funny when those things are said. I don't care anymore. They can think I'm a bitch. They can think whatever they want. They are free to do so. I, however, have no more space for it. And I'm not sure how to handle it without blowing up in their faces. Because that's what they want. They want me to get angry. They want me to raise my voice. That means they win. These people want to see me lose my shit. They want me to prove that I'm 'crazy.' They want to see it. They try to force it out. It's like I'm at a fucking zoo surrounded by monkeys throwing their shit at me, but when I finally react to the shit storm, suddenly I'm the fucking monkey in a glass cage and they're all laughing at me and giving each other celebratory high fives. The worst part is that they actually make me question myself and my sanity. I deal with this constant toxicity and wonder if I'm the one who is crazy because I have a hard time handling it. When it shouldn't be something I have to handle. When it isn't normal. I'm not the kind of person who can pretend that things are fine when they aren't. I'm not the kind of person who can shake it off and let it go and deal with it and be a punching bag every single day. The zookeeper isn't coming to save the day. Will it be that I get to the point where I cuss them all out and get written up because absolutely nothing is done? None of this I'm saying even makes sense. Having a blog is stupid. I'm writing all of this shit out for no one. I'm tired of feeling alone in life. I'm tired of being taken advantage of for being a good worker and polite. Today I did better. I was less polite. I was met with more silence. Fine by me, at least it's quiet.

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