Preparing for Decades, Homemade Biscotti with Lemon Ginger Tea, and Avoiding the Ghosts

 So much has happened over the past week. I started a new position at work. It happened so quickly and I am so thankful. A former coworker passed away. My nephew turned 3 years old. When I list these things it doesn't sound like much. But the person I am has died and risen several times in a short while. Isn't that how it goes? Life drudges on and we think we are stagnant but then something happens, a moment we have prepared for over decades, and suddenly the weight of it all crashes down. We realize it was not all for nothing. We realize how exhausted we are from living. I spent the weekend in a fog trying to catch my breath. It seems life is like that sometimes. So much happens, all at once, and it feels like your body and mind can't keep up. But time keeps passing and life continues on, until it doesn't. So we keep going. I took a nap this afternoon and woke up in an awful mood. You would think it would help. I made homemade biscotti today. Dipped it in lemon ginger tea. Absolutely delicious. I made twice baked potatoes too. Part of me dreads tomorrow because it is Monday, however, it is a fresh new week in the new position. It will be a good week! I will be surrounded by people who are kind and welcoming. I won't have to feel as much pressure tomorrow because everyone should be there. I felt pressure on Friday because they were short-staffed and I was new and I didn't want to be a burden. I wanted to help. I went ahead and programmed the coffeemaker so that I will have one less thing to do in the morning. The new schedule means I have to leave quite a bit earlier, but that's okay. Once Rylee graduates from high school, I may not have to drive as far. I'm worried about Rylee. She is depressed and I don't know how to help her. She started seeing the school counselor. I have to beg her to take her medicine. I have to practically drag her out of bed in the mornings. I have to nag her to get school work done. I'm just worried. Being a parent is so difficult. I worry I'm not doing enough or doing the best thing. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new week. I'm going to face it with optimism and hope and a cheerful heart. I want a new hobby but everything is expensive. I'm tired of writing. I have been avoiding it. Maybe I'm avoiding the ghosts, like Em said. Maybe, instead of avoiding the studio, I'm avoiding those places in my mind that require access when writing poetry. Maybe the ghosts that haunt me are trapped in those places. But it's okay. It is part of the process, to avoid. I will not beat myself up over it. I will address the ghosts when I am ready. Like parts of the house I neglect because everything else is screaming loudly right in my face. In that case, you have to take care of what is causing you the most grief. The thing tapping you on the face. And then, eventually, you are able to take care of the hidden things. The less noticeable things. The things you hide away, much like in a closet or spare bedroom, because you cannot deal with them right now and company is on the way. There is no shame in taking our time. We have our entire lives. This is what encompasses living. The sky was the most brilliant blue today, and the clouds were a gray-blue, much like the color lavender if it were blue (my friend came up with that one). I sat in the sun for a few minutes, but it was still pretty cold. I laid in bed with the door open. I could hear the windchimes and the creak of the house in the wind. It was comforting. That's when I took the nap and woke up in a foul mood. Why? No idea. Tomorrow is a new day.