Rumination, Worrying, and Jolting Between the Past, Present, and Future Fabricated Reveries

 Why is it that I ruminate over interactions with people? I think about what they said, how they reacted. I re-imagine their subtle shifts in mood and analyze how it was related to me personally. What a fucked up thing! This world does not revolve around me! I'm sitting here, on the first evening of my weekend off work, worrying about what the people I work with think of me. Worrying if they are mad I left early today because the bed I ordered was delivered ahead of schedule and left in the pouring rain. Worrying if this one particular person, who I only sometimes interact with, might think I am the same as all the others. Wondering if it would make a difference either way. Worrying about my teenager who was full of words yesterday but tonight will barely speak. Worrying about the neighbor who so kindly covered my package with trash bags, so it might be spared of extra damage, and stood with me on my porch talking for 30 minutes waiting for my dad to arrive. Worrying about the dishes and the groceries I need to buy and the house payment I need to send and the laundry that needs doing and the grass that will need cutting when Spring comes and the car my teen will need that I cannot provide and the college tuition I won't be able to give because you can't squeeze blood from a turnip. Sometimes it is extraordinarily difficult for me to stay tethered to the present. My mind shifts between the past and the future so quickly that the present feels lost. I was listening to a song on the ride to work this morning, and once the song was over, I was jolted to the present. I spent 5 minutes listening to a song and reliving my life in various stages of memories, old, new, and fabricated future reveries (although they are oftentimes unpleasant). I become so caught up in my thoughts that I become distracted. I was almost late to work this morning because of it. It will get better. It will get better. I want it to get better. Trust the process, I'm told. Trust. What a funny thing. I've become so independent that I find it nearly impossible to trust anyone. And nearly every process I've encountered as an adult on this planet has revealed disfunction and injustice. How do I trust the process when everything is broken? The only thing I know to do is to keep going. Place one foot in front of the other. Know that there's not always another shoe ready to drop, but sometimes you've got to hit the ground running barefoot to get where you're going. I have to believe I'm in the right place at the right time. I have to believe, no matter what happens, that I am on the right path and that I will not arrive late to what is meant for me.

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