Things We've Lost, Plastic Storage Bin Coping Mechanism, and Fear of the Other Shoe

 Tonight I'm thinking about the kyanite pendant a dear friend once gave me and how it probably washed away in the rain falling on a gas station parking lot. Later that evening, I grasped at the pendant, which always brought great comfort, and it was gone. It was probably the most valuable item I ever owned. The person who gave it to me meant a great deal, and if I've learned nothing else in this life, it's that holding on to the good memories and the people who were parts of them are more valuable than all the riches the world could possibly offer.

Today was the first Monday I have felt absolutely normal. There wasn't this pressing heaviness constantly shifting over my body and mind. I felt like a normal human; or, how I would imagine a normal human to function. I still felt that inner buzz of anxiety, but it was at a more regulated level. I had energy to complete the tasks at hand. I left work, went to the grocery store, cooked dinner, cleaned up dinner, scooped the cat boxes, and had a phone conversation with a friend who needed me. I'm a little fearful for tomorrow—like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

I created a new coping mechanism today. I'm not sure what I will call it—I've thought of Storage Wars, but that's already copyrighted 😂. Okay, this new coping mechanism involves, instead of creating a barrier around yourself, extending a barrier around those who you want protection from. People who tend to suck your energy, or people you tend to extend more attention towards than you have available. I pretend that I have placed a plastic storage bin the size of their bodies around them. It is clear, so I can still see them, but their words and actions are muffled. What if you have to be physically close to them? What if you have to touch them or interact physically because of your job or environment or situation? What if you have to give them a hug and you are too weak to say no because you are a people-pleaser who is trying really hard to make boundaries and enforce them and, like all of us, you're still a work in progress? Then you pretend the plastic storage bin collapses into a plastic rain coat barrier when they hug you, which separates you physically from the person and muffles the noise. I'm honestly proud of myself for this. Someone once told me to envision myself enclosed by a beautiful blue egg of peace that no one could ever penetrate. While this is a lovely thought, I hate feeling trapped. And this made me feel trapped! So now I trap the problematic ones in my mind. Works like a charm. 

I'm afraid this feeling of stability will leave. I'm afraid something bad will happen and I will revert. I'm searching for something to go wrong when I need to be thankful things are going the way they are. I remind myself not everything is good, because then hopefully nothing too bad will happen. I say, "Wow, what a fantastic mood day," and "Don't forget, your mortgage payment will be late and you're not sure if you'll be able to get caught up." It's called 💫balance💫. 

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