Under the Weather, Homemade Soup, and the Sharp Ineptitude of Failure

 I've been down with some sort of sinus thing this weekend. Assuming it's some sort of virus, since my covid tests have come back negative. Saturday I slept in until 12:00 noon, which is very rare for me. Other than driving my daughter to the grocery store and sending her with a list and my debit card, I spent the day in bed. I picked up some Rock and Rye for the first time on Friday night, and, I must say, I actually like it. Today I moved around a bit more. I made some soup out of a quarter of an onion left in the fridge, sauteed, one can of tomato sauce, water, chicken bouillon, two cans of pinto beans, and broken pieces of leftover lasagna noodles. I added salt, pepper, onion powder, adobo, and paprika. It turned out delightful. I wish I had some spinach or something green to add to it, but it's still good. I have plenty left for this week. I cleaned the kitchen and washed some clothes for the week. I go back to the doctor in nine days. This is to follow up on my medication and to recheck my blood pressure. I really want to bring down my blood pressure myself. I want to lose weight and feel better physically. Even though I wasn't feeling well today, I went for a 2-mile walk. It felt good. I also want to start counting my calories, although that does make me a little nervous. I don't want to obsess over the numbers. Over the calories and the miles and the steps and the pounds. But I also want to feel better. I don't want to be out of breath when I climb the stairs. I want to feel more comfortable in my body. I follow this girl on Instagram who has struggled with binge eating. She said she got through it by using something called the 3A Way. Awareness, Acknowledgement, Accountability. She became really aware of what she was doing by tracking it. Too see how many calories she consumed, without judgement. She tried to figure out which emotions she was feeding because she realized she needed different foods to satisfy different emotions. She said the accountability came in by trying to do better. Not to end it or cure it but to do a little bit better than the last time. She would try to come in a few hundred calories less than the last binge. Small, incremental changes. Her name is Charlotte Skanes. I really like her. She has a podcast that I plan on listening to too. My problem is that I have a big issue with FAILURE. That word has come back to haunt me several times in my life. It's such a dumb thing—to have an issue with a word. Failure means "lack of success" or "the omission of expected or required action." Lets break this down. Failure is a black and white term. Lack of, omission of. Success is "the accomplishment of an aim or purpose." An aim or purpose is a long-term goal. An aim or purpose is not limited by one idea, direction, or material thing. As long as I keep going, as long as I move forward in my aim or purpose, I am succeeding. There is no room for failure in a journey towards our aim or purpose. That is like saying your future has no need for you. Your future is nothing without you! It cannot exist! So, when the day comes that I tell myself I cannot walk the 2 miles, will I sit and cry and binge for failing? No! Because how dumb is that? To throw away all of my hard work and love for myself because I didn't do one thing on my journey towards my aim and purpose. No, I will care for myself and remind myself that sometimes we need rest. And I will pick myself back up and start fresh the next day. This is what I want out of life. I want to be in control of myself and my moods and emotions. I've taken the first step with medication. I do not have to deny myself of what I want. What I do have to do is REMIND myself of what I want and make sure the choices I make are aligned with what I want.