Am I in a Rut or Just Tired? Shifting Blame to Survive, Learning to Shut the Fuck Up, and Showing Up As Yourself Consistently (even when your actions are not!)

Sometimes I get so sick of every single day, the same routines. And I don’t mean it like you think. I’m not married. I don’t wake up to the same alarm each day next to the same person who I kiss on the cheek on the way out the door. My bedroom routine is more of a guide than a schedule. I am the worst at setting a routine and keeping to it. Outside of work, that is. Maybe it’s the bipolar disorder. I can never seem to duplicate my good days by repeating the schedule of that day. Whether I have 7 or 11 hours of sleep, I’m always exhausted. No matter how early I leave for work, I’m always just on time. No matter how much money I have, I end up with just enough. I am consistent in my inconsistencies. Everything in my life, time, money, sleep, etc is predictable in the sense that I am always in need of more. Is it an organizational issue? No! I’m a fantastic organizer! I’m good at my job because of it. But it’s also how I burn myself out at both ends by going a million miles an hour during those 8 hours each day. I don’t know how to not do that. I don’t know how to say no when I am aware a person is directly affected by my choice to not make something a priority. That’s the issue with healthcare. I’m tired of being constantly tired. I’m tired of constantly adapting to my surroundings. Maybe I don’t want to put on a happy face. Maybe I want to scream and yell about how angry and injust the world is. I get so tired of the gossip and complaining at work. Why can’t we just do our jobs and support each other? But maybe my coworkers are onto something. Maybe I take things too seriously. Maybe blame is the key to surviving in the workplace. As long as we’re all blaming someone else, we won’t be mad at each other. But it’s not real. It’s not authentic. When is the line drawn between a person’s personality and behavior? When are they held accountable? Maybe I need to shut the fuck up and trash talk the same person they pounce on. Maybe not trash talking them makes me a target. And so what if it does? I don’t want to do that. And it’s okay. It’s okay to be different. It’s okay to be different. It’s okay to keep running into the same situations when you live your life differently. Maybe living our lives differently around many different circles of people is what ignites change. Maybe change is what happens when we consistently show up as ourselves. 

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