Internal Dialogue

 I'm trying to focus more on my internal dialogue, which, if you've never tried it, is excruciating. It's as if I have been able to "ignore" the incessant dialogue because it's a constant hum of static in the background instead of actual decipherable words. Tonight I paid attention and did not like what I heard. I was sitting on the couch scrolling on Instagram and kept thinking, "I really don't need to be doing this. I need to be cleaning. I need to be lifting weights. Something. You keep gaining weight. Sitting here doesn't help. Look at this ring for sale. I wonder if it really helps anxiety. No. You don't need to buy anything impulsive. Things will not fix you, only you can fix you. You promised you wouldn't buy anything from your phone. You made a promise. Don't break it. Look how messy the living room is. Look at the filters leaning against the wall that you bought a month ago. You only need to replace one of them. It would take one minute tops. Why are you sitting here? Look at the papers on the floor. How does this happen? Why do you let it build up? At least you budgeted this time. You cannot spend anymore on anything that is not a necessity. You need to be careful. Look at your arms. You've gained weight. You've slept for 3 days straight." WOW. What an awful way to speak to myself. Imagine if someone followed me around all day saying these things. I would immediately cut them from my life. None of it is helpful. I am shaming myself to get things done, which obviously isn't working. Approaching myself with kindness and love is the only sustainable way to successfully care for myself. Maybe I can look at it as, "I am resting because I have been sick since Wednesday night. I have had several life changes in a short amount of time. This makes exhaustion more prevalent! Cleaning can wait — like Mom always says: It'll keep. Lifting weights might be a fun way to keep my body moving. It might help me better handle anger and anxiety. It's worth looking into! Instead of buying something impulsive, maybe I'll do a little research. It looks like this company is brand new. How do they already have 8,000 satisfied customers and only 4 and 5 star reviews? That does not add up. Maybe it's popular because it's an ad on Instagram and they make it super easy to buy it. I choose to be in control. I do not need this gimmick. I do not want to be manipulated by an ad. I want to make choices that are in alignment with what I want. I want to be financially secure. This is not the right choice to make in order to be in line with this want. Your new medication can cause weight gain. Your new medication is also helping to stabilize your mood. You're doing a good job. Don't let a few poor food choice days make you feel bad about yourself. It's okay to have a Snickers. It's okay to have a soda. You did not do anything wrong! You have been resting your body and your mind. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow you will try to clean up a few things. You don't have to do the entire house. Just a few things. Your worth is not defined by how clean your home is. Your worth is not defined by the food you eat or the clothes you wear. You are a person and you are raising another person. You're doing a good job. There is nothing to fix — you are not broken. Hopefully the daffodils will bloom soon. The ones you dug out of the ground with your hands on the side of that back road between the cow pasture and church. They've sprouted. Soon they will bloom and ring in Spring-time. The days will be longer. You are coming more alive with each day that passes. You are loved."



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