I Hate Everything

 I'm trying to come to terms with this new season of my life. My daughter will be graduating from high school in about six weeks. I am starting a new job soon. I have grown so accustomed to being single. I worked so hard at my past job to try to fit in and form connections. I came up empty. I worked so hard and gave everything I had to be productive and helpful and to socialize and it ended up a dud. I am so exhausted. I don't understand why everything is so difficult. I was so proud of myself for installing this porch hammock swing I've had for years. I finally got it put up and it seemed solid. I had the best time this afternoon sitting in it and reading. There was a breeze, and it was so peaceful. Then, out of nowhere, I was on the ground. The bolts didn't hold. I'm not sure if it was due to my size or faulty installation. I hit my head on the window. A neighbor down the street was sitting on his front porch when it happened. He yelled and asked if I was okay. I yelled back that I was and quickly went inside. I was embarrassed. And sore. I wanted to get out of the house, so I went into town. When I got back, all the neighbors were inside. I stayed in my car for a while. Then I got a notification on my phone from my Ring camera. The woman who lives down the street with the man who saw me fall was standing on my front porch. I got out of the car and walked up. Apologized for sitting in my car. Why??? She wanted to introduce herself. She has lived here her whole life. She asked if Mexicans lived beside me. I said yes, that they are very nice, and gave her their names. She asked if they speak Mexican. Please shoot me. Why do I have to entertain conversations such as these? Then she asked if I was okay. That her husband saw me fall. She asked if I broke anything, and I said no, I was good. Then I came inside. I want everyone to leave me alone. But I want to meet someone who loves me for me. I hate these dating apps. I hate them so much. But I don't want anyone to say I haven't tried. I have and continue to try. And I hate it! Maybe I'm just PMSing but I am so OVER everything. I'm so tired of being tired and depressed all the time. I just want to feel normal. The genetic test I did pretty much said antidepressants don't work for me, so I have to find a way to deal with this. I miss my daughter. What am I going to do? It's been her and me for so long. How do I adjust? How do I rest? How do I let things be? I never imagined I would still be alone. I haven't slept well all week. I can't find my Benadryl. Tomorrow is Easter. I hate holidays. I hate everything right now. Tomorrow will be better. How do I fix myself? That's what I keep asking. How do I fix everything that is wrong with me? I want to ask, 'How do I find someone who will love me for me?' How do I open up enough to let someone in? How do I know if anyone actually wants a relationship these days? How do I let all of it go? Maybe I need to let it all go. Actually be done with it. I hate everything.

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